Lauren Fontaine

“You are a good person because you fear damnation. I am a good person without obligation.” - Guillermo Garcia

MY FAVORITE BIBLE VERSE. Unreal.

"Their children shall be dashed 
to pieces before their eyes! 
There houses spoiled, and their 
wives raped...Dash the young men 
to pieces...have no pity on the 
fruit of the womb, the children 
shall not be spared" 
-- Isa 13:16-18 

“I open my eyes. I see colors. I stand up and dust the dirt off my dress. I look around me and I’m in a world full of bright colors. Don’t know how I got here but I don’t ever want to leave.Dance with the wind, talk to the trees, stare at the sky, suddenly I feel at ease. Hopelessness has departed, love has entered, I promise I won’t leave this world full of color. “

I am going through old possessions that were left at my parents house. This letter was written to a boy I met at church camp. I was 11. I am sharing this with you because it’s that good.I have a way with words…

Dear Brian,

Hello, this is your lovergirl, Lauren from camp. How are you? I’m fine. I miss camp a lot, but most of all I miss you. I didn’t mean to embarrass you at camp, but a lot of girls like you. I am your #1 fan though. I wish you were coming to camp in July. You are the cutest boy in the UNIVERSE. You probably get a lot of letters from girls at camp. What kind of music do you like? I like almost all music but I don’t like Rap. I like R&B. Rap is wrong. I hate opera and classical just brings me down. I wish I could have had a radio at camp but we couldn’t so I had to sing all the time. I hope I didn’t annoy you. Do you have AOL? If so can I have your screen name so I can write to you all the time? My mom said she could tell I was obsessed with you. I was and I still am. Jessica Gay liked you too. Not the girl with the glasses, the other one. Have you ever made honor roll? I have. Three times. I’m trying to get on honor roll all year. What school do you go to? You should make honor roll like me, Brian. All I have to say is I love you, Brian.

Lauren Fontaine

Today marks six months since I turned my life around. If you would’ve asked me six months ago where I’d be now, I probably wouldn’t have said anything optimistic or positive. It’s amazing how much can change, and how much of that change is simply due to my new-found willpower. It hasn’t been easy to keep up the momentum, but I’ve done it (almost) consistently and I couldn’t be more proud of the direction my life is headed. I’ve “found” myself—whatever that means. What once inspired me was lost in those four years, but I’ve regained my passion for life. I care about myself again. It’s amazing the things my brain tried to convince me of. 2009 was the most difficult year of my life, but I’ve grown and I’ve learned. My life is mine again. My heart is beating again. It’s nice to be alive and feel alive.

I am reading this, and it’s solidifying everything I’ve been thinking/contemplating the past two years.

“If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you.”

Destroyed.

I wanted to write something profound this morning but I can’t think of anything to say other than my life is going slowly and I’d like it to pick up. I miss waking up in a new city each morning. I miss meeting wonderful people on a daily basis.  Nowhere feels like home because everywhere feels like home.

I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal. So this letter is just really a sequel of pain. It is incredible how essential to me you have become.

If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you.